I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
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It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
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Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
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