Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
