I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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