Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
