I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
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I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
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Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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