I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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