I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Randomize
