two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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