Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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