I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
