So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
