I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
