He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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