He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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