i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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