i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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