i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
