need another drink. this is the easiest way
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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