plz talk dirty to me
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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