you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
