Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
