Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
