Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
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