Having a random hookup so left but love u
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
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