also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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