On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Randomize
