I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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