What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
