is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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