I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
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