don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
It's official drugs can't kill me
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
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