I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Randomize
