fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
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