My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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