im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
