I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
