party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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