I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
