i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
