My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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