so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
