my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
