it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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