I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
