Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
