I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
