I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I intend to get homeless drunk
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
