tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
