I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
