You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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