I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
