I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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