I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
