do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
