Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
