My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
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did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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