I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
