My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
